I hate spiders

So lately I've been thinking about animals. To be honest its something I do a lot; as a veggie of 11 years and self confessed cat lady my mind wanders to the furry and cute far too often. But my train of thought has been specifically brought about by a good book. Feral: Rewilding the Land, Sea and Human Life by George Monbiot is one of the best insights into out relationship with the concept of nature and the natural and now its organises EVERYTHING we do. It's not a preachy vegan manifesto, and neither is it a wholehearted endorsement of our right to do whatever the heck we want as the 'dominant' species. It his a unique point in between and whilst I have my issues with some of his points, I thought it worth my time to think them out here.

First of all, the cover is fantastic. I'm usually not huge on photographic covers but this is just done so well, it almost is the book! In one picture! I will always fight the case of the written word but honestly Monbiot could have saved himself a lot of time and just stuck this up in a few train stations and still have made an impact. Our understanding of how our own urbanisation and organisation of out natural environment has left us with ecosystems entirely lacking in biodiversity and the 'natural'; but astonishingly we don't care or even really notice. Monbiot refers to this as a shifting baseline of the natural, whereby what we consider 'perfect' and 'natural' is completely dependant on our image of nature in our childhoods. Everyone views the nostalgic nature of their youth as pure, and therefore it becomes the baseline of biodiversity that those in charge of conservation strive for.

Monbiot does not advocate for nature for the sake of nature, as is commonly espoused by vegan and animal rights advocates. Too often animal rights circles are dismissive of the realities of achieving the harmonious green pastures of singing cows and emotionally stable sheep or whatever it is I'm trying to achieve through veganism. To protect animals and their natural habitats we need an understanding of what these animals can do for us beyond being a source of food- which Monbiot undoubtedly supplies- and that is why I'm now much more team wolf reintroduction than team sheep. Improving biodiversity can serve to improve our mental wellbeing as well as more banal things like soil quality and spider populations. Although as a arachnophobe I am very concerned with eradicating spiders- I'm all for biodiversity but please take the spiders away. 

I live in a fairly rural place. Sheep wander around all over the place and I'm more than familiar with trudging through a boggy moor. But as Monbiot demonstrates, I see these images as perfect nature. I ignore the lack of trees and wildlife, seeing these farming landscapes as wild. It seems mad, but government laws and processed frustratingly support the thinning out of our flora and fauna. If you have even a passing interest in how all that works, definitely pick up the book for yourself and I hope it gives you a different way of looking at your relationship with the landscapes you inhabit.

The unlikely stresses of Graduation Photography.

Graduation season has recently hit the UK; and as a result the last few weeks have been spent in a flurry of well-wishes with an underlying tone of anxiety. As much as I was looking forward to the official "end" of education there's something about having your walk along a raised platfom streamed onto youtube that makes you panic about silly things like footwear more than is necessary.

I made all of the usual preparations for being seen by more than one person, but the importance orf the graduation photograph loomed heavily over my eyebrow plucking and pore cleansing. Any one of these missed steps would be immortalised upon my relatives mantlepieces for years to come, and in my eyes at least I'd forever be known as the granddaughter with the mono brow, always looked upon with disdain. These small obsessions quickly gave in to those voices the self conscious know all too well, and if I'm being totally truthful the small surface problems started to give way to much deeper and troubling images I have of myself.

I simply was not good enough to be graduating. I'd somehow tricked everyone into giving me a mortarboard and gown for the day and swindled my way to a degree I didn't deserve. Not only was I physically horrible but I- at least in my opinion- wasn't worth all the fuss of a graduation. Being professionally photographed grew to represent concrete evidence of my failure, both intellectually and physically. Being asked to pick a picture of myself to be professionally printed felt to me like sending everyone close to me a letter explaining my faults. "I'm terribly sorry about how fat and poorly groomed I am auntie Judith, but unfortunately my outwards appearance is indicative of the fact that I'm terrible and undeserving of any form of academic recognition, Hope you're well!"

Going to take the picture was awful, I shall not lie. My closest relatives had to watch whilst I grimaced and panicked that at any second the photographer would snatch my scroll off me and chuck me out for not being a proper graduate. This fear to many people will seem totally irrational and ridiculous, but I promise you that someone close to you will feel these feelings of low self esteem so acutely that it will be affecting their ability to even get through the day without crying. No success can be experienced without a terrible flip side created by your own brain that highlights the many ways in which you are undeserving of your success, something which has always been triggered for me by thoughts about by weight and body. If I couldn't even train my fleshy lump into a decent shape, how could I possibly be good at anything else?

After the picture taking, I got to actually graduate. And for me everything I had been thinking about myself fell away for at least a good hour. Shaking my Chancellor's had and getting the piece of paper I'd worked for for three years was amazing. And I've even watched the video back of that moment without grimacing. The main reason I wanted to talk about this today was because this was the first time that the first thing I felt an image of me reflected more than just my physical inadequacies- it reflected a real and solid success.

I know not everyone gets the chance to graduate; but the next time you feel trapped by the reflection in the mirror, try to find some form of success that you represent in that moment. Every picture ever taken of you is a result of you doing something right. The right thing can be something as huge as giving birth or as small as spending some time with an old friend. Someone was enjoying spending a moment with you enough to want a permanent record of it, which in itself is pretty special.

Anyway, the most important thing to remember is I survived the most horrible of picture taking moments, and you will too. I absolutely promise!