I made all of the usual preparations for being seen by more than one person, but the importance orf the graduation photograph loomed heavily over my eyebrow plucking and pore cleansing. Any one of these missed steps would be immortalised upon my relatives mantlepieces for years to come, and in my eyes at least I'd forever be known as the granddaughter with the mono brow, always looked upon with disdain. These small obsessions quickly gave in to those voices the self conscious know all too well, and if I'm being totally truthful the small surface problems started to give way to much deeper and troubling images I have of myself.
I simply was not good enough to be graduating. I'd somehow tricked everyone into giving me a mortarboard and gown for the day and swindled my way to a degree I didn't deserve. Not only was I physically horrible but I- at least in my opinion- wasn't worth all the fuss of a graduation. Being professionally photographed grew to represent concrete evidence of my failure, both intellectually and physically. Being asked to pick a picture of myself to be professionally printed felt to me like sending everyone close to me a letter explaining my faults. "I'm terribly sorry about how fat and poorly groomed I am auntie Judith, but unfortunately my outwards appearance is indicative of the fact that I'm terrible and undeserving of any form of academic recognition, Hope you're well!"
Going to take the picture was awful, I shall not lie. My closest relatives had to watch whilst I grimaced and panicked that at any second the photographer would snatch my scroll off me and chuck me out for not being a proper graduate. This fear to many people will seem totally irrational and ridiculous, but I promise you that someone close to you will feel these feelings of low self esteem so acutely that it will be affecting their ability to even get through the day without crying. No success can be experienced without a terrible flip side created by your own brain that highlights the many ways in which you are undeserving of your success, something which has always been triggered for me by thoughts about by weight and body. If I couldn't even train my fleshy lump into a decent shape, how could I possibly be good at anything else?
After the picture taking, I got to actually graduate. And for me everything I had been thinking about myself fell away for at least a good hour. Shaking my Chancellor's had and getting the piece of paper I'd worked for for three years was amazing. And I've even watched the video back of that moment without grimacing. The main reason I wanted to talk about this today was because this was the first time that the first thing I felt an image of me reflected more than just my physical inadequacies- it reflected a real and solid success.
I know not everyone gets the chance to graduate; but the next time you feel trapped by the reflection in the mirror, try to find some form of success that you represent in that moment. Every picture ever taken of you is a result of you doing something right. The right thing can be something as huge as giving birth or as small as spending some time with an old friend. Someone was enjoying spending a moment with you enough to want a permanent record of it, which in itself is pretty special.
Anyway, the most important thing to remember is I survived the most horrible of picture taking moments, and you will too. I absolutely promise!
